The Onion

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

20 years and we forget already

I remember 20 years ago, watching TV and seeing that wall come down and thinking how much of a shame it was that millions of people had to suffer and die (against their will) for a cause that was always doomed to fail. Communism failed socially, economically and morally.

But of course I'm reading in the newspapers today articles and opinion pieces that suggest perhaps capitalism is worse and that perhaps, (just maybe) the fall of the Berlin wall is not something to celebrate but something to lament instead.

Like Bruni de la Motte, who describes the fall of the Berlin Wall as a "disaster" and complains that her brother (also an academic) and other friends (also academics) have to...wait for it...have to...? find their own jobs!

She doesn't mention in her article anything about the thousands of people who desperately tried to escape and there is also no mention of the thousands of West Germans who so desperately tried to get into the GDR because after all, they had "subsidised rents, public transport, culture and sports facilities."

Yes, free concerts! not Pink Floyd or The Cure mind you, but symphonies. And by sports facilities presumably Bruni de la Motte is referring to the most successful aspect of the GDR's socialised medical system - where petite blonde gymnasts called Ann Bach would walk in one door and then walk out another door with their name changed to Anna Bolic, complete with beard, a baritone and forearms like Bavarian Bier kegs. So yes, some success, in the Olympics at least, but not in the medals, because they were all for the bio-chemists. No, I mean for having the only female athletes who could sing Barry White standards at the Olympic village Karaoke competition.

There's another piece in the Sydney Morning Herald that suggests the same, I won't go into details but I think it is saying that had it not fallen, the world would be a much better place and that all those little things in life that get you down - wouldn't.

Done

The Police Tense

Why do police give statements to the media that are a strange mix of past tense and the perfect (present) tense? Like: "The house was set on fire and then the person of interest has jumped the fence and he's gone across the yard and he's tripped the automatic sprinkler system and he's done an impromptu version of Flashdance and he's then totally stuffed up the Changement de pied, he's landed on a rake and of course the rake has hit him in the kegs and he's then fallen to the ground whimpering in fetal position..."

Here's a real one from this morning's Herald:

"The actual circumstances of the crash are undetermined at this stage ... for some reason he's struck the western edge of the kerb and guttering," Senior Sergeant Jenkins said. "(The car) has rotated across the centre median strip and hit a tree on the other side of the road ... he's spun it around and it's ended up facing the same direction he was coming from."

Sosueme Street

Um...

I have it on good authority that this isn't a joke. Is not...a...joke...

Apparently Sven and Lars know less about physics, trig, maths, snow... than I do.

But they clearly know a whole lot about weed.

True that

Yes they can

Hypocrates

Family First Senator Steve Fielding can't spell very well, so journos (particularly those from the ABC) and some politicians (the Greens) have decided to make fun of him and humiliate him.

idoits.

Vidiot

How I feel

Happy 4th

Deal

$100.00 cash for every preacher in Sydney who does NOT mention Michael Jackson in his sermons over the next month.

Cool

Hearing aids are cool.

Acca! Dacca!

Look. at. the. size. of. that. crowd.

Bob

Bob Ellis is s douche. I'm watching Q&A and that Bob Ellis is on, sitting there looking all smug and superior. They were talking about the Matty Johns/NRL sex scandal and Bob sighs heavily and says: "Well, I'm the only one here who has written a novel about Rugby League..."

Wha?

About ten minutes ago he was saying that Obama,"...greatest orator since Lincoln..."

I guess Abraham Lincoln must have had 15 teleprompters

Bob is sitting on the far end of the table as far away from Tony Abbott as is possible. That's probably because Bob once wrote in one of this hopeless books that Tony Abbott and Peter Costello were lured into the Liberal Party by "a woman who f...ed both of them and married one of them..." He's such a wordsmith!

Tony Abbott and Peter Costello were awarded damages of $277,000. The publisher pulped the book and Bob Ellis was installed in the Australian Git Hall of Fame that same year.

Photo Op

Terrorists have said that their aim is to, 'strike fear into the hearts of Americans', but they don't need to when Obama's president:

Mythbusters

I think it's safe to say Mythbusters has jumped the shark. On tonight's episode we watched Adam and Jamie as they tried polishing animal droppings (and blow up a moped with prima cord for no apparent reason).

But the attempt to polish poo was the low point. In fact I think we should now say a show as lost it thus: "Heroes has polished the poo." It's been about 25 years since The Fonz jumped that shark and gen y don't know about it.

Pity, Mythbusters has been a constant source of amusement in our household for the past 4-5 years.

Detroit

Detroit is an interesting but sad city, I've never been there, I wanted to go, it was on my 'to do' list when we were in the States but it didn't happen. Detroit is a very culturally significant city for the western world. Obviously, the Motown tradition still has an impact - the White Stripes come from the famous Cass corridor in downtown Detroit and as we all know the White Stripes are cool. But not many people realise that despite still having a strong cultural influence worldwide, Detroit is a city in sharp decline. Let's say Detroit is an aeroplane - it's in a flat spin, the fuel tanks are bone dry but it doesn't matter because the engines have cut out and the pilots are too busy putting on their parachutes to care anyway. I don't think this is a good thing, it's a really bad thing, it's a tragic situation. Motown , is fast becoming a ghost metropolis. Some leaders in the global warming community like to declare that certain cities are on the brink of becoming ghost towns because of a changing climate. Like Australia's Tim Flannery who has declared Perth the prime candidate for becoming the world's first 'ghost metropolis'from global warming. Well, Perth is doing fine, just fine. But in the case of Detroit, policies used to address so-called global warming will be like a point blank shot to the head in a gangland hit. The CSI will look at Detroit's head and see the carbon tatooing around the wound, whip off his sun glasses and say: "Carbon taxes - point blank."

Being America's most liberal city makes Detroit one of America's most socialist cities. It votes something like 87% Democrat and the Democrats they vote to represent them aren't garden variety Democrats, they're the hard left Democrats that want to nationalise just about everything and make you pay taxes on your levies. In the past 40 years Detroit has had many successes mixed with some failures. It has had its share of political scandals, had colourful industrial relations scandals and some very embarrassing car design scandals (Ford Edsel anyone?). But in the past 10 years it seems it has had almost the reverse - many failures, some successes. Within a decade Detroit has acquired the 3rd highest crime rate in America which has 'perfect stormed' with the 2nd highest unemployment figures. The overall population has dropped sharply for the first time in its history. Forbes magazine, famous for its lists, has declared Detroit to be the most miserable city in the United States. Mind you, Forbes didn't just go on gut instinct with its declaration, it used a sophisticated measurement tool which looked at unemployment rates, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime rates and the proximity of 'Superfund' sites (federally controlled toxic cleanup sites).

Detroit has become an unfortunate American monument to the stupidity of socialism and the corruption that goes with it; in the same way Crozny Chechnya is the Soviet monument to the same, the only difference is that Detroit has much better music and more violence.

But we shouldn't just blame socialism, we can also blame car designers, check out these babies:

I only put a couple up - for health reasons, the yellow one is quite recent, it's called the Chevy Aztec and it's a perfect example of the many things that are wrong with the US car industry. First of all, it's a classic 'design by committee' and in this case the committee was stoned, each member spoke a different language and all seem to have suffered from vertigo.

I'd argue that badly designed cars are still the result of socialism though. America has made some of the greatest cars ever to hit the road, all with celebrated designers. And in case you think they have never been able to cut it against European design, keep in mind that Porsche has employed Americans to design some of its most famous cars (like the 928). But design by committee means no design at all, like a mirror that's been broken into little pieces, design by committee reflects everything, but shows nothing. Design by committee, after all, is a socialist type thing, and socialism likewise, is a broken mirror (with the associated bad luck). Under socialism everybody is kept 'equal' and nobody excels, not because they cannot, but because they are not allowed to. An individual is not allowed to be responsible for a successful enterprise, the collective must be elevated. It's not a 'team effort' either, even that's too individualistic. It's the collective, the faceless, nameless but somehow wonderful collective that got the job done. But it wasn't the collective who got the job done. When the job was done well it was usually because somebody with talent and ambition stepped up and had a go. Under socialism those with talent and ambition (except politics) soon learn there's little point in stepping up and having a go. Topic for dinner party discussion: could the iPod have been designed in 21st century Detroit? I'll kick things off by suggesting it would be baby poo brown, have a big handle and double as a can opener/stapler/electric pencil sharpener. And it would be clad in vinyl.

But, while the Chevy Aztec is a crime against design, literal criminality, mostly in the form of elected officials has seen Detroit's backward slide accelerate like a Ford Mustang (which incidentally was designed by two great individuals, David Ash and John Oros).

Kwame Kilpatrick, the former Mayor of Detroit, recently stood before a court of law and admitted to channeling every pimp, gangster, rap-producer, boxing promoter and corrupt official created by Hollywood in the last half century. With the pin stripe suit and the bling, Kilpatrick won over the people of Detroit and became their Mayor in 2002.He took certain oaths in high office from day one, but then he took advantage of his high office from day one as well. I mean this guy is a real piece of work, in fact, never mind the channeling idea, you couldn't make him up if you tried.

Kwame Kilpatrick was an awful mayor; he used taxpayer money to throw wild parties (complete with strippers) in the Mayor's mansion. He used his power to get his friends jobs with the city, he used taxpayer funds to buy himself and members of his family cars, and to get himself out of trouble. He even assaulted a Police officer and one of the strippers from one of his wild parties was allegedly going to go public - and had an accident (where somebody accidently shot her several times at close range). A lot of people in Detroit city, who are mostly poor and largely disenfranchised, were understandably upset at the obvious corruption of Kilpatrick and his cronies and called for his resignation early on.

Kilpatrick is in jail now, serving time for, amongst other things, perjury, because he and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty (pictured next to Kilpatrick) lied under oath about having an affair. Yes, they had an affair, then denied it under oath and were caught out when investigators intercepted SMS messages between the two lovebirds. In March 2008, the Wayne County prosecutor charged the Mayor with misconduct in office, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit obstruction of justice and perjury (see above). He also went down for two felony counts of assaulting and obstructing police. He plea-bargained and agreed to surrender his law licence, to forfeit his state pension to the city and be barred from elective office for 5 years. He also has to pay $1 million restitution to the city of Detroit and serve 120 days in Wayne County jail, with a period of 5 years probation after that.

In August last year, before starting the above prison sentence, Kilpatrick was arrested for a bond violation. He had to ask the court for permission to leave the County, but because he's apparently above the law, he went to Canada for a 'business' meeting. But when he got back he had to appear before a District Judge who threw the book at him. And so he should have, I mean, the guy is, is... he's a git.

So Detroit's pimped out Democrat is in jail now, but not all is well with dear old Detroit. Detroit didn't need a Mayor like that, but then perhaps it got what it asked for. I'd like to say there's hope for Detroit, certainly Obama's bail outs won't help. They just need to re-discover what made Detroit such a great city when it was at its commercial and cultural peak in the 1950s - I think you'll find there were hard working industrious, individuals making cool stuff and who didn't expect a handout.

Oh, here's a video you might find interesting from Barack 'Bailout' Obama himself:

Go on, defend him, I dare you...

Masters and Heroes

BTW, this is written badly because I'm watching the masters while I write this, on a netbook which is perched on a Djembe.

Along with Oleg Zandersson, the allergy-prone Icelandic Ping Pong phenom who put Iceland on the map sporting wise, Greg Norman has been one of my sporting heroes for many years. Anyway, Greg Norman is no longer one of my sporting heroes after he decided to leave his wife of over 20 years in order to run of with somebody else's wife (Chris Evert). I've been following the Masters coverage online and I'm amazed at the comments people are leaving about Norman's first round and the fact that his new wife was his caddie for the traditional par 3 competition.

Comments like:

"I've loved Chrissie Evert for years, because of her marriage to Greg, I've (sic) have started to take an interest in Golf. I thought they were both fantastic yesterday, they seem to love life and each other."

Or:

"I followed tennis for years before discovering golf. It is a pleasant site (sic) to see two class acts (representative of both sports) together. I hope the union last (sic) forever - they seem so happy."

Blargh.

And there are many more like it. Now Greg Norman is a great golfer - no doubt. I've read quotes from great amateur golfers like Bill Murray and Alice Cooper who've said they've never seen anybody hit a golf ball as well as Norman when they've played with him at pro-ams. Greg Norman was the number one player in the world for a very long time (the longest time ever until Tiger came along). He has won something like 60 tournaments world wide and in 2001 he played a skins game with Tiger, Colin Montgomerie and a bunch of other golfing freaks and he walked away with all of the prize pool - all of it. It was a classic, he literally flew off in his helicopter with a million dollar cheque in his pocket, leaving some of the world's greatest ever players wondering why they bothered to get up that morning.

But I just can't get past what he's done off the course, and because Norman is back at the Masters with Larry Mize, it's made me realise that our sporting heroes should be our heroes for more than just how they play. You see, Larry Mize is the guy who 'stole' the Masters from Norman by having the audacity to chip in to win in a play-off.

Larry Mize grew up in Augusta GA, the home of the Masters, and he dreamed, like every kid in Augusta, of one day winning the great tournament. And in 1987 he did. Larry won it fair and square, straight up and down, he chipped in from off the green on the 11th hole during a play-off. But ever since, his victory has been overshadowed by the accepted wisdom that it was Norman who should have slipped on the green jacket that day. Somehow, because Norman's victory in 1987 was fait accompli, it was just wrong that Larry Mize came along and chipped in. Somehow, his chip in was a fluke (as if every good shot or putt in golf isn't?) Somehow, because Larry was a nobody or a 'journeyman' on the PGA tour, he didn't deserve to win that way against a high profile player like Norman. It's true that Larry wasn't exactly well-known when he won, he's a reserved Southerner who just loves playing golf. I've heard that he even received hate mail after he won the Masters in 1987 and for over 20 years, Larry has graciously answered probing questions about that shot, rather than questions related to his great sporting achievement.

Larry Mize is a Christian. He's been married to the same woman since college and has three sons. Larry is known for his humility and graciousness among other tour players. He talks about being a Christian to almost anybody, he has even run Bible studies with Berhard Langer who is another Christian on tour. Larry Mize once said in a media interview, that he knows he can't earn his way to heaven, which is why he has faith in Jesus Christ.

Larry has officially replaced Norman as one of my all-time sporting heroes.

BTW Larry was on the top of the Leaderboard for the first round of of the Masters this year and Norman was 3 shots behind, but guess who got all the media?

Yeah - Tiger Woods.

Idea for best end at this year's Masters: Mize and Norman are in another playoff and Mize wins by getting a hole in one on a par 4 and then a Russian spy satellite makes an unscheduled re-entry over Augusta and lands on Norman's nads.

Could happen, It'd make a great framed poster and I imagine would look something like this: