Happy 4th

Deal

$100.00 cash for every preacher in Sydney who does NOT mention Michael Jackson in his sermons over the next month.

Cool

Hearing aids are cool.

Acca! Dacca!

Look. at. the. size. of. that. crowd.

Bob

Bob Ellis is s douche. I'm watching Q&A and that Bob Ellis is on, sitting there looking all smug and superior. They were talking about the Matty Johns/NRL sex scandal and Bob sighs heavily and says: "Well, I'm the only one here who has written a novel about Rugby League..."

Wha?

About ten minutes ago he was saying that Obama,"...greatest orator since Lincoln..."

I guess Abraham Lincoln must have had 15 teleprompters

Bob is sitting on the far end of the table as far away from Tony Abbott as is possible. That's probably because Bob once wrote in one of this hopeless books that Tony Abbott and Peter Costello were lured into the Liberal Party by "a woman who f...ed both of them and married one of them..." He's such a wordsmith!

Tony Abbott and Peter Costello were awarded damages of $277,000. The publisher pulped the book and Bob Ellis was installed in the Australian Git Hall of Fame that same year.

Photo Op

Terrorists have said that their aim is to, 'strike fear into the hearts of Americans', but they don't need to when Obama's president:

Mythbusters

I think it's safe to say Mythbusters has jumped the shark. On tonight's episode we watched Adam and Jamie as they tried polishing animal droppings (and blow up a moped with prima cord for no apparent reason).

But the attempt to polish poo was the low point. In fact I think we should now say a show as lost it thus: "Heroes has polished the poo." It's been about 25 years since The Fonz jumped that shark and gen y don't know about it.

Pity, Mythbusters has been a constant source of amusement in our household for the past 4-5 years.

Detroit

Detroit is an interesting but sad city, I've never been there, I wanted to go, it was on my 'to do' list when we were in the States but it didn't happen. Detroit is a very culturally significant city for the western world. Obviously, the Motown tradition still has an impact - the White Stripes come from the famous Cass corridor in downtown Detroit and as we all know the White Stripes are cool. But not many people realise that despite still having a strong cultural influence worldwide, Detroit is a city in sharp decline. Let's say Detroit is an aeroplane - it's in a flat spin, the fuel tanks are bone dry but it doesn't matter because the engines have cut out and the pilots are too busy putting on their parachutes to care anyway. I don't think this is a good thing, it's a really bad thing, it's a tragic situation. Motown , is fast becoming a ghost metropolis. Some leaders in the global warming community like to declare that certain cities are on the brink of becoming ghost towns because of a changing climate. Like Australia's Tim Flannery who has declared Perth the prime candidate for becoming the world's first 'ghost metropolis'from global warming. Well, Perth is doing fine, just fine. But in the case of Detroit, policies used to address so-called global warming will be like a point blank shot to the head in a gangland hit. The CSI will look at Detroit's head and see the carbon tatooing around the wound, whip off his sun glasses and say: "Carbon taxes - point blank."

Being America's most liberal city makes Detroit one of America's most socialist cities. It votes something like 87% Democrat and the Democrats they vote to represent them aren't garden variety Democrats, they're the hard left Democrats that want to nationalise just about everything and make you pay taxes on your levies. In the past 40 years Detroit has had many successes mixed with some failures. It has had its share of political scandals, had colourful industrial relations scandals and some very embarrassing car design scandals (Ford Edsel anyone?). But in the past 10 years it seems it has had almost the reverse - many failures, some successes. Within a decade Detroit has acquired the 3rd highest crime rate in America which has 'perfect stormed' with the 2nd highest unemployment figures. The overall population has dropped sharply for the first time in its history. Forbes magazine, famous for its lists, has declared Detroit to be the most miserable city in the United States. Mind you, Forbes didn't just go on gut instinct with its declaration, it used a sophisticated measurement tool which looked at unemployment rates, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime rates and the proximity of 'Superfund' sites (federally controlled toxic cleanup sites).

Detroit has become an unfortunate American monument to the stupidity of socialism and the corruption that goes with it; in the same way Crozny Chechnya is the Soviet monument to the same, the only difference is that Detroit has much better music and more violence.

But we shouldn't just blame socialism, we can also blame car designers, check out these babies:

I only put a couple up - for health reasons, the yellow one is quite recent, it's called the Chevy Aztec and it's a perfect example of the many things that are wrong with the US car industry. First of all, it's a classic 'design by committee' and in this case the committee was stoned, each member spoke a different language and all seem to have suffered from vertigo.

I'd argue that badly designed cars are still the result of socialism though. America has made some of the greatest cars ever to hit the road, all with celebrated designers. And in case you think they have never been able to cut it against European design, keep in mind that Porsche has employed Americans to design some of its most famous cars (like the 928). But design by committee means no design at all, like a mirror that's been broken into little pieces, design by committee reflects everything, but shows nothing. Design by committee, after all, is a socialist type thing, and socialism likewise, is a broken mirror (with the associated bad luck). Under socialism everybody is kept 'equal' and nobody excels, not because they cannot, but because they are not allowed to. An individual is not allowed to be responsible for a successful enterprise, the collective must be elevated. It's not a 'team effort' either, even that's too individualistic. It's the collective, the faceless, nameless but somehow wonderful collective that got the job done. But it wasn't the collective who got the job done. When the job was done well it was usually because somebody with talent and ambition stepped up and had a go. Under socialism those with talent and ambition (except politics) soon learn there's little point in stepping up and having a go. Topic for dinner party discussion: could the iPod have been designed in 21st century Detroit? I'll kick things off by suggesting it would be baby poo brown, have a big handle and double as a can opener/stapler/electric pencil sharpener. And it would be clad in vinyl.

But, while the Chevy Aztec is a crime against design, literal criminality, mostly in the form of elected officials has seen Detroit's backward slide accelerate like a Ford Mustang (which incidentally was designed by two great individuals, David Ash and John Oros).

Kwame Kilpatrick, the former Mayor of Detroit, recently stood before a court of law and admitted to channeling every pimp, gangster, rap-producer, boxing promoter and corrupt official created by Hollywood in the last half century. With the pin stripe suit and the bling, Kilpatrick won over the people of Detroit and became their Mayor in 2002.He took certain oaths in high office from day one, but then he took advantage of his high office from day one as well. I mean this guy is a real piece of work, in fact, never mind the channeling idea, you couldn't make him up if you tried.

Kwame Kilpatrick was an awful mayor; he used taxpayer money to throw wild parties (complete with strippers) in the Mayor's mansion. He used his power to get his friends jobs with the city, he used taxpayer funds to buy himself and members of his family cars, and to get himself out of trouble. He even assaulted a Police officer and one of the strippers from one of his wild parties was allegedly going to go public - and had an accident (where somebody accidently shot her several times at close range). A lot of people in Detroit city, who are mostly poor and largely disenfranchised, were understandably upset at the obvious corruption of Kilpatrick and his cronies and called for his resignation early on.

Kilpatrick is in jail now, serving time for, amongst other things, perjury, because he and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty (pictured next to Kilpatrick) lied under oath about having an affair. Yes, they had an affair, then denied it under oath and were caught out when investigators intercepted SMS messages between the two lovebirds. In March 2008, the Wayne County prosecutor charged the Mayor with misconduct in office, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit obstruction of justice and perjury (see above). He also went down for two felony counts of assaulting and obstructing police. He plea-bargained and agreed to surrender his law licence, to forfeit his state pension to the city and be barred from elective office for 5 years. He also has to pay $1 million restitution to the city of Detroit and serve 120 days in Wayne County jail, with a period of 5 years probation after that.

In August last year, before starting the above prison sentence, Kilpatrick was arrested for a bond violation. He had to ask the court for permission to leave the County, but because he's apparently above the law, he went to Canada for a 'business' meeting. But when he got back he had to appear before a District Judge who threw the book at him. And so he should have, I mean, the guy is, is... he's a git.

So Detroit's pimped out Democrat is in jail now, but not all is well with dear old Detroit. Detroit didn't need a Mayor like that, but then perhaps it got what it asked for. I'd like to say there's hope for Detroit, certainly Obama's bail outs won't help. They just need to re-discover what made Detroit such a great city when it was at its commercial and cultural peak in the 1950s - I think you'll find there were hard working industrious, individuals making cool stuff and who didn't expect a handout.

Oh, here's a video you might find interesting from Barack 'Bailout' Obama himself:

Go on, defend him, I dare you...

Masters and Heroes

BTW, this is written badly because I'm watching the masters while I write this, on a netbook which is perched on a Djembe.

Along with Oleg Zandersson, the allergy-prone Icelandic Ping Pong phenom who put Iceland on the map sporting wise, Greg Norman has been one of my sporting heroes for many years. Anyway, Greg Norman is no longer one of my sporting heroes after he decided to leave his wife of over 20 years in order to run of with somebody else's wife (Chris Evert). I've been following the Masters coverage online and I'm amazed at the comments people are leaving about Norman's first round and the fact that his new wife was his caddie for the traditional par 3 competition.

Comments like:

"I've loved Chrissie Evert for years, because of her marriage to Greg, I've (sic) have started to take an interest in Golf. I thought they were both fantastic yesterday, they seem to love life and each other."

Or:

"I followed tennis for years before discovering golf. It is a pleasant site (sic) to see two class acts (representative of both sports) together. I hope the union last (sic) forever - they seem so happy."

Blargh.

And there are many more like it. Now Greg Norman is a great golfer - no doubt. I've read quotes from great amateur golfers like Bill Murray and Alice Cooper who've said they've never seen anybody hit a golf ball as well as Norman when they've played with him at pro-ams. Greg Norman was the number one player in the world for a very long time (the longest time ever until Tiger came along). He has won something like 60 tournaments world wide and in 2001 he played a skins game with Tiger, Colin Montgomerie and a bunch of other golfing freaks and he walked away with all of the prize pool - all of it. It was a classic, he literally flew off in his helicopter with a million dollar cheque in his pocket, leaving some of the world's greatest ever players wondering why they bothered to get up that morning.

But I just can't get past what he's done off the course, and because Norman is back at the Masters with Larry Mize, it's made me realise that our sporting heroes should be our heroes for more than just how they play. You see, Larry Mize is the guy who 'stole' the Masters from Norman by having the audacity to chip in to win in a play-off.

Larry Mize grew up in Augusta GA, the home of the Masters, and he dreamed, like every kid in Augusta, of one day winning the great tournament. And in 1987 he did. Larry won it fair and square, straight up and down, he chipped in from off the green on the 11th hole during a play-off. But ever since, his victory has been overshadowed by the accepted wisdom that it was Norman who should have slipped on the green jacket that day. Somehow, because Norman's victory in 1987 was fait accompli, it was just wrong that Larry Mize came along and chipped in. Somehow, his chip in was a fluke (as if every good shot or putt in golf isn't?) Somehow, because Larry was a nobody or a 'journeyman' on the PGA tour, he didn't deserve to win that way against a high profile player like Norman. It's true that Larry wasn't exactly well-known when he won, he's a reserved Southerner who just loves playing golf. I've heard that he even received hate mail after he won the Masters in 1987 and for over 20 years, Larry has graciously answered probing questions about that shot, rather than questions related to his great sporting achievement.

Larry Mize is a Christian. He's been married to the same woman since college and has three sons. Larry is known for his humility and graciousness among other tour players. He talks about being a Christian to almost anybody, he has even run Bible studies with Berhard Langer who is another Christian on tour. Larry Mize once said in a media interview, that he knows he can't earn his way to heaven, which is why he has faith in Jesus Christ.

Larry has officially replaced Norman as one of my all-time sporting heroes.

BTW Larry was on the top of the Leaderboard for the first round of of the Masters this year and Norman was 3 shots behind, but guess who got all the media?

Yeah - Tiger Woods.

Idea for best end at this year's Masters: Mize and Norman are in another playoff and Mize wins by getting a hole in one on a par 4 and then a Russian spy satellite makes an unscheduled re-entry over Augusta and lands on Norman's nads.

Could happen, It'd make a great framed poster and I imagine would look something like this:

Media Watch

I 'tipped off' Media Watch for the first time ever last week. I pointed out the 'webphoto' email address thingy about that accident report in the Daily Telegraph. Media Watch emailed back about 10 minutes later and said, 'good point' and then tonight they ran it.

It's an awesome feeling when you know that your tip off has resulted in a 1 minute segment on an obscure, low-rating, 15 minute television show that runs relatively late on a Monday night on a public broadcaster...

Studies in serious journalistic hypocrisy 101

The Telegraph online is good for sport, but reading this has made me seriously consider giving up my obsession with Irish Road Bowling and Welsh Bog Snorkeling (both fine sports nevertheless). The links they had on the original article have been put in bold because they're so... I'm lost for words.

Crash voyeurs were 'sick and disrespectful'

By Vikki Campion and Lauren Williams

April 01, 2009 12:00am

OUTRAGE is growing over tales of sick voyeurism at the scene of this heartbreaking crash at Burwood, where a young mum lost her life this week.

When the woman slammed into a tree late on Monday night, a male loved-one ran to the car, pulling at the door in a desperate bid to drag her free.

Instead of rushing to help, some onlookers filmed the scene on handicams and mobile phones, even as the distraught man screamed for help.

What do you think of the crash voyeurs? Tell us

Rescue workers have told The Daily Telegraph Online, the phenomenon is becoming all too common at accident scenes around Sydney.

On Monday night, a few brave residents rushed forward to extinguish flames that began breaking out around the wreck, but others just walked out of their homes and stared.

Death Porn: Residents entertained by violent crash deaths

Gallery: Heartbreaking scenes from the fatal accident

Dean Ivory, who lives directly opposite the crash scene, was one of the few to assist.

He was disgusted by other residents filming the man as he cried by the car, without offering to assist.

"People were taking photos, they had their video cameras out," Mr Ivory said.

Do you have any more information about the accident? Call us in confidence on (02) 9288 3413 or email webphoto@dailytelegraph.com.au

"It was really sick and disrespectful.

"I had words with one guy who had his handy cam out, I let out a few expletives - I was about to grab his camera out of his hands. "The guy was next to the car ... he was screaming, saying no, no."

Mr Ivory's wife Ingrid Clifford said another young woman was filming the scene on her mobile phone. "She was saying, 'is she young like me?'," Mrs Clifford said. "We thought it was horrendous, but other people seemed to think it was exciting."

Readers have flooded The Daily Telegraph Online with comments condemning their behaviour.

Read some of them here

A Fire Brigade Rescue officer identified as Greg Nugget said such voyeurism was now common emergency scenes. "I experience this on a daily basis," he said. "At a recent car accident, there were over 200 bystanders who would not move on despite numerous attempts by the Police. "I have even had to push my way through people to get equipment off the truck and have had people looking over my shoulder as I attempt to cut someone from a car. "It is sad when people's tragedy becomes entertainment.

Another said: "What sort of mother would let her children watch someone die? "Surely the only appropriate action is to take the kids inside. It makes me hope that if I am ever fatally injured it will be somewhere where the locals have some concept of dignity - both theirs and mine."

Source: The Daily Telegraph Online

Telstra letter

As you may know, I wrote this letter to apply for the job of CEO of Telstra. I wrote it under the name of 'Melvin of Sydney' probably because of the band 'The Melvins' or because I thought it sounded like the kind of name a weirdo would have (sorry to any Melvins fans out there.) Anyway, some friends at work dared me to actually send the letter to Telstra with my name, return address and so on. So I got the name and address of the Chairman of Telstra and sent it.

It has been over two weeks since I sent it, and I've received no reply letter - which I was looking forward to scanning and putting up on this blog. The unprofessionalism displayed by their lack of response now makes me less-inclined to pursue the position because I think I would find it difficult to work in such an environment.

As the saying goes: "It's hard to soar like an Eagle when your wings have just been shot off by a Remington 12 gauge."

Studies in headlines 101

From the SMH:

"Anna Nicole Smith's psychiatrist surrenders"

Erm...good...I guess...

Coldplay

The wife and I went to see Coldplay on Saturday night. We were meant to go to a birthday party in Penrith, but it was raining so hard on the freeway I couldn't see outta da windscreen. So we turned off and ended up in Homebush and I says, to my wife, I says: "Hey, we gotta babysitter yo, why don't we do something else yo." And then:

1. My wife suggested a movie (lame).

2. I remembered Coldplay were playing the Acer Arena.

3. I remembered my wife really likes Coldplay.

4. I remembered that I kinda dig 'em yo.

5. I went and bought tickets and got soaking wet.

6. They were good.

Depressing as it is, I don't expect Australia to produce any bands that big in the next 47 years. What is it about the Poms and their ability to produce excellent bands?

That's one of those rhetorical questions btw. Please don't answer with something like how they have bad weather and it's depressing and how that's their muse etc.

The Opportunity of a Lifetime - CEO of Telstra

To Whom it May Concern,

Hello? Is there anybody there?

That's exactly how I like to start conversations with people. Just like I'm talking to them on the phone! It's quite remarkable just how much pretending you're on the phone to people can act as a real ice-breaker at awkward social gatherings. For that reason I often get invited to parties and other events and the inviter, says to me: “Can you come along to the gathering in question and do that thing where you're pretending you're on the phone?” And, depending on my schedule, I usually say “OK”.

I love phones and have done so for many years. Recently I was up late watching a documentary about people who fall in love with inanimate objects. There was one man who fell in love with a bridge in New York and a woman who actually married the Eiffel Tower! (which is in Paris). I don't think I'd go quite that far, but I do love phones a lot. So, that is why I am writing to you. That, and the fact that I just read in the newspaper about how you're looking for a new CEO for your company. When I realised it was a phone company and how I already knew about my own extraordinary love for phones, I just put 2 and 2 together and – wallah!

Hence this letter.

But let's get down to 'brass tacks' here. I love phones – I can even let you know all about their history! (see attached) And you're a big phone company looking for a new boss. I have many ideas for your company that will see future generations embrace phones in much the same way I have.

My ideas include making more public phones available and having a public phone for every child in every classroom across the country – especially in the bush. Also, I've noticed that the Information Super Highway is making inroads, so I would make a bold push for our beloved company to invest in that area more.

Also, I've noticed that our grand old company sponsors many events from football to ballet. My guess is these sponsorships are not gaining you much in the way of actual benefits. And if I could be so bold, could I suggest that of course this is because those events all look the same – I mean who can tell one Ballet from another? Same with Rugby and Football – every game looks pretty much the same in the end. So my other bold plan would be to make up different sports on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis (we'll discuss the timings at the first board meeting after my appointment). If we sponsor those sports it will be a spectacle, and because the actual sport can be named after the company it would be doubly good. For example, you could have a game where people use phones instead of balls and call it “TelstraBall!!!!” and have fireworks. Or you could combine sports like AFL football and conventional football and call it “TelstraBall!!” with dancers. The marketing possibilities are truly endless.

Anyway, those are *some* of my ideas and I have many more that I've been working on as well. I know you're probably thinking that I only recently became aware of the position; but you'd be wrong to think that I have not been working towards this for my entire life. I don't like using a dramatic word like 'Destiny' but I simply have to - Microsoft Word's Thesaurus didn't give me any other options and for some reason my spell chick isn't working either.

Oh, I forgot to mention how good I am with people. I am good with people. I've been described as a 'Peaple Person' several times in my life and have the documentation to prove it. So, obviously my much-vaunted people skills are a big area for you to muse over when discussing it with the board.

I think my great ideas and people skills are a big bonus for our beloved, grand old institution. But, obviously it's my love of phones that will be the clincher. Please find enclosed documents pertaining to my people skills and my role as a community organiser. Please also find enclosed recent photos of me setting up a portable car-port for my elderly neighbour Janis, who has recently been diagnosed with open-angle glaucoma.

I look forward very much to hearing from you and especially meeting with you in person, as I am convinced a mere letter is unable to re-create the experience of meeting with me personally.

Yours Sincerely,

Melvin of Sydney

Inspiration for shorty

I'm kinda short. Not really short, but shortish. Also, my jaw makes this clicking noise sometimes when I chew. Anyway, enough about me, what about Audie Murphy? When a Texan named Audie tried to join the Marine Corps in 1942 he was only 16 years old. Audie (no relation to the car) was 5 feet 5 inches and weighed about 55 kilos soaking wet. Dude was seriously small. But rejection by the Marines didn't get him down, Audie simply moved on to the Army Air Corps and they rejected him as well, probably because they doubted his ability to see over the dashboard and/or reach the pedals in a fighter plane. Eventually Audie discovered that the Army were pretty keen to recruit anybody who could shield professional soldiers from enemy fire with their persons. But then the Army decided that such a slightly-built baby faced teen was probably not cut out for actual battle - why? because he passed out during a passing out parade. From my perspective that was an early sign that the little dude was willing to follow orders with an impressive combination of conviction and precision. But the Army didn't see it that way, and they tried to make him a cook. But Audie fought the system and his persistence finally gave him the opportunity every boy dreams of - to get out of the kitchen, travel overseas and kill stuff with machine guns and high-powered rifles.

Anyway, if sometimes you feel kinda down, like you're a loser or short or a loser, then be of good cheer loser. Audie, who, despite misplaced, commas and despite being named after a car and being really small, got the chance to kill stuff and make it dead.

And how.

Audie had no contact with the enemy while in Africa, but spent his time training for war anyway. He was probably being made fun of because of his size and probably because he made a clicking sound when he chewed and stuff.

Then when the 3rd division, 7th Army took part in the invasion of Italy, our boy went along, probably because he was in the 3rd division, 7th Army. He killed two Italian officers who happened to be on horseback, which was the style at the time. Audie was immediately promoted to corporal and became the proud owner of two Gucci saddlebags.

Then in Salerno, he killed a bunch of other enemy dudes, it was cold (and wet) and did I mention that he had contracted Malaria by this stage and was pretty sick most of the time? Again, he was promoted, this time to Sargeant. He had also started a fairly extensive collection of medals, but more on that later. I'm guessing that around this time, people were probably not calling him 'Baby Face' 'Shorty' or 'Click-Chew' anymore.

Then in Southern France, Audie and his best buddy were going up a hill to take some German prisoners. But it turns out they were faking their surrender and one of them shot and killed Audie's best buddy. Audie skipped the counselling and instead decided to kill every last living thing on that hill. He wiped out the MG-42 crew (usually 3 men - a gunner, a spotter and a loader). And then Audie grabbed the MG-42 (the Germans had no use for it anymore) and went all Rambo with it. Now, the fact that the MG-42 would have weighed as much as Audie didn't seem to matter much - he just ran up the hill and proceeded to kill another two MG-42 crews, plus a bunch of other German soldiers. Then afterwards he probably sat down and listened to some Fall Out Boy on his iPod Nano and had a good cry.

After that little episode, he was promoted to Staff (Platoon) Sergeant, did some other heroic stuff a couple of days later and was then promoted through a Battlefield Commission to Lieutenant and became Platoon leader.

By this stage nobody called him shorty anymore. Nobody.

But the dude did get wounded, he got shot by a sniper and was wounded by mortar fire, he spent some time in hospital, but got out and continued to be awesome. Now, by the time he was company commander, he didn't have the strength to carry around all his medals on account of him being small and having malaria and all. But, being awesome, he did manage to make more stuff dead.

On January 26 1940-something, Audie, in −10 °C was sent to defend the Colmar Pocket with his remaining 19 men (out of the original 128). But when things got a bit dicey, he sent his men to the rear while he stayed in a forward position and took to sniping the enemy with his carbine. When he ordered a couple of M-10 tanks to go in, they got totally hammered on account of there now being heaps of Germans advancing on their position with mortars and anti-tank weapon support. Remember the passing out parade? Audie always followed orders, and he had been ordered to hold the Colmar Pocket at all costs because it was strategically crucial.So Audie ran up to a burning M-10 (which was on fire), climbed on to the burning tank that was burning on fire, locked 'n' loaded the Browning .50 and spent an hour single-handedly mowing down Krauts. Now, here's my analysis: Audie was short, so from the German point of view they were being mowed down by a .50 cal which had become possessed, when in actual fact Audie was behind it and all you could see if you looked really carefully from the front was the top of his helmet. But that's the point! I mean, think about it, if you stopped in the middle of a battle and had a careful look, with the squinting and the hand shading the eyes and all that, you'd be killed, because after all, you're just standing there squinting in front of a heavy machine gun that looks like it is being operated by a ghost or something. So, that's the reason I think he was able to kill approximately 200 Germans that day.

Audie was awarded every medal the American military gave at the time and some of them more than once. He also got a medal from Belgium and 5 from France. So, next time you're feeling inadequate for being short, try mounting a burning tank and machine gunning everything in front of you.

Or just stack your heels - your choice.

Lawn

I love lawns, nice green ones, with texture and softness and all that. I grew up in the north west of Sydney where everybody has a green lawn and goes to the hardware shop on Saturday. I used to love going to the hardware store with dad on Saturday and mowing the lawn with my Sony Walkman playing INXS The Swing or Iron Maiden Live After Death. My Sony Walkman was the best model you could get back then, it only weighed 36kgs and had huge (orange?!) headphones.

Last Summer my backyard lawn was as pure as the driven snot, it was lush, green and soft - perfect for the kids and for just sitting out the back on the step and looking at as I drank my morning coffee or my afternoon tea. Sitting out the back with my wife, with some tunes on in the arvo after a hard days work (actually, I don't have hard days work, I have weird days work). So, after a weird day of work, there's nothing better than sitting out the back with my wife, drinking tea and watching the kids run into each other on my lush green lawn.

Last year, even my dad complimented me on the state of my lawn, he said: "Nice lawn."

But this year my lawn looks like a dried up booger, one of those hard brown boogers from the sinus wall that has been picked out and then flattened between the index finger and thumb of the Big Friendly Giant and dropped to earth with a boogerish thud. I've tried fertiliser, I've tried extra watering and I've tried wizzing on it and nothing has worked. But now, courtesy of a greens keeper, I have the answer:

Lawn Tonic

One full can of regular cola or soft drink (not diet)

One full can of beer (no light beer)

1/2 Cup of Liquid dishwashing soap (do NOT use anti-bacterial dishwashing liquid)

1/2 Cup of household ammonia

1/2 Cup of mouthwash (any brand)

Pour into hose-end sprayer

In high heat, apply every three weeks for a lush lawn.

The cola and the beer give the lawn a sudden wake up call because of all the sugar. The dishwashing soap acts as a wetting agent, while the ammonia makes it go really green and the mouthwash kills bugs.

I don't drink, so I'll have to borrow a beer of somebody. Can I borrow a beer?

I really want my lawn back.

Thought some of you might find this very helpful

Funny is