I love lawns, nice green ones, with texture and softness and all that. I grew up in the north west of Sydney where everybody has a green lawn and goes to the hardware shop on Saturday. I used to love going to the hardware store with dad on Saturday and mowing the lawn with my Sony Walkman playing INXS The Swing or Iron Maiden Live After Death. My Sony Walkman was the best model you could get back then, it only weighed 36kgs and had huge (orange?!) headphones.
Last Summer my backyard lawn was as pure as the driven snot, it was lush, green and soft - perfect for the kids and for just sitting out the back on the step and looking at as I drank my morning coffee or my afternoon tea. Sitting out the back with my wife, with some tunes on in the arvo after a hard days work (actually, I don't have hard days work, I have weird days work). So, after a weird day of work, there's nothing better than sitting out the back with my wife, drinking tea and watching the kids run into each other on my lush green lawn.
Last year, even my dad complimented me on the state of my lawn, he said: "Nice lawn."But this year my lawn looks like a dried up booger, one of those hard brown boogers from the sinus wall that has been picked out and then flattened between the index finger and thumb of the Big Friendly Giant and dropped to earth with a boogerish thud. I've tried fertiliser, I've tried extra watering and I've tried wizzing on it and nothing has worked. But now, courtesy of a greens keeper, I have the answer:
Lawn Tonic
One full can of regular cola or soft drink (not diet)
One full can of beer (no light beer)
1/2 Cup of Liquid dishwashing soap (do NOT use anti-bacterial dishwashing liquid)
1/2 Cup of household ammonia
1/2 Cup of mouthwash (any brand)
Pour into hose-end sprayer
In high heat, apply every three weeks for a lush lawn.
The cola and the beer give the lawn a sudden wake up call because of all the sugar. The dishwashing soap acts as a wetting agent, while the ammonia makes it go really green and the mouthwash kills bugs.
I don't drink, so I'll have to borrow a beer of somebody. Can I borrow a beer?
I really want my lawn back.
5 comments:
This is a very funny post. I live in Southern California near the mountains and my entire back lawn (well, most of it) is filled with wretched gopher holes. It's a rather nice green, lush lawn with huge piles of dirt all over it and craters. I actually sprained my ankle one monring walking into my house. Anyway, I really hope your special lawn recipe works.
We lived in Bishop CA for a year and used to have a problem with Gophers, interesting little critters.
I like your profile - you are unapologetic for being a sane person living in Southern California.
Thanks for the comment.
I'm so jealous that at one stage you had a 36 kg walkman. i would have killed for one of those as a kid.
Andrew, one of those might have killed you as a kid.
We have captured your president, and he is delicious.
Your word verification word of the day is : sogginer
Post a Comment