The Opportunity of a Lifetime - CEO of Telstra

To Whom it May Concern,

Hello? Is there anybody there?

That's exactly how I like to start conversations with people. Just like I'm talking to them on the phone! It's quite remarkable just how much pretending you're on the phone to people can act as a real ice-breaker at awkward social gatherings. For that reason I often get invited to parties and other events and the inviter, says to me: “Can you come along to the gathering in question and do that thing where you're pretending you're on the phone?” And, depending on my schedule, I usually say “OK”.

I love phones and have done so for many years. Recently I was up late watching a documentary about people who fall in love with inanimate objects. There was one man who fell in love with a bridge in New York and a woman who actually married the Eiffel Tower! (which is in Paris). I don't think I'd go quite that far, but I do love phones a lot. So, that is why I am writing to you. That, and the fact that I just read in the newspaper about how you're looking for a new CEO for your company. When I realised it was a phone company and how I already knew about my own extraordinary love for phones, I just put 2 and 2 together and – wallah!

Hence this letter.

But let's get down to 'brass tacks' here. I love phones – I can even let you know all about their history! (see attached) And you're a big phone company looking for a new boss. I have many ideas for your company that will see future generations embrace phones in much the same way I have.

My ideas include making more public phones available and having a public phone for every child in every classroom across the country – especially in the bush. Also, I've noticed that the Information Super Highway is making inroads, so I would make a bold push for our beloved company to invest in that area more.

Also, I've noticed that our grand old company sponsors many events from football to ballet. My guess is these sponsorships are not gaining you much in the way of actual benefits. And if I could be so bold, could I suggest that of course this is because those events all look the same – I mean who can tell one Ballet from another? Same with Rugby and Football – every game looks pretty much the same in the end. So my other bold plan would be to make up different sports on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis (we'll discuss the timings at the first board meeting after my appointment). If we sponsor those sports it will be a spectacle, and because the actual sport can be named after the company it would be doubly good. For example, you could have a game where people use phones instead of balls and call it “TelstraBall!!!!” and have fireworks. Or you could combine sports like AFL football and conventional football and call it “TelstraBall!!” with dancers. The marketing possibilities are truly endless.

Anyway, those are *some* of my ideas and I have many more that I've been working on as well. I know you're probably thinking that I only recently became aware of the position; but you'd be wrong to think that I have not been working towards this for my entire life. I don't like using a dramatic word like 'Destiny' but I simply have to - Microsoft Word's Thesaurus didn't give me any other options and for some reason my spell chick isn't working either.

Oh, I forgot to mention how good I am with people. I am good with people. I've been described as a 'Peaple Person' several times in my life and have the documentation to prove it. So, obviously my much-vaunted people skills are a big area for you to muse over when discussing it with the board.

I think my great ideas and people skills are a big bonus for our beloved, grand old institution. But, obviously it's my love of phones that will be the clincher. Please find enclosed documents pertaining to my people skills and my role as a community organiser. Please also find enclosed recent photos of me setting up a portable car-port for my elderly neighbour Janis, who has recently been diagnosed with open-angle glaucoma.

I look forward very much to hearing from you and especially meeting with you in person, as I am convinced a mere letter is unable to re-create the experience of meeting with me personally.

Yours Sincerely,

Melvin of Sydney

Inspiration for shorty

I'm kinda short. Not really short, but shortish. Also, my jaw makes this clicking noise sometimes when I chew. Anyway, enough about me, what about Audie Murphy? When a Texan named Audie tried to join the Marine Corps in 1942 he was only 16 years old. Audie (no relation to the car) was 5 feet 5 inches and weighed about 55 kilos soaking wet. Dude was seriously small. But rejection by the Marines didn't get him down, Audie simply moved on to the Army Air Corps and they rejected him as well, probably because they doubted his ability to see over the dashboard and/or reach the pedals in a fighter plane. Eventually Audie discovered that the Army were pretty keen to recruit anybody who could shield professional soldiers from enemy fire with their persons. But then the Army decided that such a slightly-built baby faced teen was probably not cut out for actual battle - why? because he passed out during a passing out parade. From my perspective that was an early sign that the little dude was willing to follow orders with an impressive combination of conviction and precision. But the Army didn't see it that way, and they tried to make him a cook. But Audie fought the system and his persistence finally gave him the opportunity every boy dreams of - to get out of the kitchen, travel overseas and kill stuff with machine guns and high-powered rifles.

Anyway, if sometimes you feel kinda down, like you're a loser or short or a loser, then be of good cheer loser. Audie, who, despite misplaced, commas and despite being named after a car and being really small, got the chance to kill stuff and make it dead.

And how.

Audie had no contact with the enemy while in Africa, but spent his time training for war anyway. He was probably being made fun of because of his size and probably because he made a clicking sound when he chewed and stuff.

Then when the 3rd division, 7th Army took part in the invasion of Italy, our boy went along, probably because he was in the 3rd division, 7th Army. He killed two Italian officers who happened to be on horseback, which was the style at the time. Audie was immediately promoted to corporal and became the proud owner of two Gucci saddlebags.

Then in Salerno, he killed a bunch of other enemy dudes, it was cold (and wet) and did I mention that he had contracted Malaria by this stage and was pretty sick most of the time? Again, he was promoted, this time to Sargeant. He had also started a fairly extensive collection of medals, but more on that later. I'm guessing that around this time, people were probably not calling him 'Baby Face' 'Shorty' or 'Click-Chew' anymore.

Then in Southern France, Audie and his best buddy were going up a hill to take some German prisoners. But it turns out they were faking their surrender and one of them shot and killed Audie's best buddy. Audie skipped the counselling and instead decided to kill every last living thing on that hill. He wiped out the MG-42 crew (usually 3 men - a gunner, a spotter and a loader). And then Audie grabbed the MG-42 (the Germans had no use for it anymore) and went all Rambo with it. Now, the fact that the MG-42 would have weighed as much as Audie didn't seem to matter much - he just ran up the hill and proceeded to kill another two MG-42 crews, plus a bunch of other German soldiers. Then afterwards he probably sat down and listened to some Fall Out Boy on his iPod Nano and had a good cry.

After that little episode, he was promoted to Staff (Platoon) Sergeant, did some other heroic stuff a couple of days later and was then promoted through a Battlefield Commission to Lieutenant and became Platoon leader.

By this stage nobody called him shorty anymore. Nobody.

But the dude did get wounded, he got shot by a sniper and was wounded by mortar fire, he spent some time in hospital, but got out and continued to be awesome. Now, by the time he was company commander, he didn't have the strength to carry around all his medals on account of him being small and having malaria and all. But, being awesome, he did manage to make more stuff dead.

On January 26 1940-something, Audie, in −10 °C was sent to defend the Colmar Pocket with his remaining 19 men (out of the original 128). But when things got a bit dicey, he sent his men to the rear while he stayed in a forward position and took to sniping the enemy with his carbine. When he ordered a couple of M-10 tanks to go in, they got totally hammered on account of there now being heaps of Germans advancing on their position with mortars and anti-tank weapon support. Remember the passing out parade? Audie always followed orders, and he had been ordered to hold the Colmar Pocket at all costs because it was strategically crucial.So Audie ran up to a burning M-10 (which was on fire), climbed on to the burning tank that was burning on fire, locked 'n' loaded the Browning .50 and spent an hour single-handedly mowing down Krauts. Now, here's my analysis: Audie was short, so from the German point of view they were being mowed down by a .50 cal which had become possessed, when in actual fact Audie was behind it and all you could see if you looked really carefully from the front was the top of his helmet. But that's the point! I mean, think about it, if you stopped in the middle of a battle and had a careful look, with the squinting and the hand shading the eyes and all that, you'd be killed, because after all, you're just standing there squinting in front of a heavy machine gun that looks like it is being operated by a ghost or something. So, that's the reason I think he was able to kill approximately 200 Germans that day.

Audie was awarded every medal the American military gave at the time and some of them more than once. He also got a medal from Belgium and 5 from France. So, next time you're feeling inadequate for being short, try mounting a burning tank and machine gunning everything in front of you.

Or just stack your heels - your choice.

Lawn

I love lawns, nice green ones, with texture and softness and all that. I grew up in the north west of Sydney where everybody has a green lawn and goes to the hardware shop on Saturday. I used to love going to the hardware store with dad on Saturday and mowing the lawn with my Sony Walkman playing INXS The Swing or Iron Maiden Live After Death. My Sony Walkman was the best model you could get back then, it only weighed 36kgs and had huge (orange?!) headphones.

Last Summer my backyard lawn was as pure as the driven snot, it was lush, green and soft - perfect for the kids and for just sitting out the back on the step and looking at as I drank my morning coffee or my afternoon tea. Sitting out the back with my wife, with some tunes on in the arvo after a hard days work (actually, I don't have hard days work, I have weird days work). So, after a weird day of work, there's nothing better than sitting out the back with my wife, drinking tea and watching the kids run into each other on my lush green lawn.

Last year, even my dad complimented me on the state of my lawn, he said: "Nice lawn."

But this year my lawn looks like a dried up booger, one of those hard brown boogers from the sinus wall that has been picked out and then flattened between the index finger and thumb of the Big Friendly Giant and dropped to earth with a boogerish thud. I've tried fertiliser, I've tried extra watering and I've tried wizzing on it and nothing has worked. But now, courtesy of a greens keeper, I have the answer:

Lawn Tonic

One full can of regular cola or soft drink (not diet)

One full can of beer (no light beer)

1/2 Cup of Liquid dishwashing soap (do NOT use anti-bacterial dishwashing liquid)

1/2 Cup of household ammonia

1/2 Cup of mouthwash (any brand)

Pour into hose-end sprayer

In high heat, apply every three weeks for a lush lawn.

The cola and the beer give the lawn a sudden wake up call because of all the sugar. The dishwashing soap acts as a wetting agent, while the ammonia makes it go really green and the mouthwash kills bugs.

I don't drink, so I'll have to borrow a beer of somebody. Can I borrow a beer?

I really want my lawn back.